Playing the Game

People are truly suffering due to the pressures of work and uncertainties around the future, the general climate of anxiety and fear, and the chaotic, never-ending hustle.

On top of that, school is starting, and the kids are out of the house or away from home for the first time, opening up new opportunities for some while empty nesters may sense a wave of impending isolation and relationship challenges.

Life is a series of changes that go through predictable cycles, like a card game. We are in one of the four phases at any moment in our lives. As you read through these four phases, you may notice elements that resonate with a phase of life you are experiencing right now.

You might also reflect on friends or family who have shared their struggles with you. Helping each other integrate the disciplines of awareness, acceptance, and conscious choice into our lives will help us use these phases for growth and build resilience.

1. Shuffle

2. Deal

3. Play the game

4. Toss in

SHUFFLE

This phase of life is characterized by healing from a loss. We turn inwards and reevaluate our beliefs and values. This is a time to consider our purpose in life and how well our current situation is allowing us to life out that purpose. Researching, planning and exploring options allows us to build energy and moment toward making a change.

Working with a coach during this time can help you create a safe space to explore energy blocks that might be holding you back from even exploring certain options, such as a career change. Your coach can help you identify actions that you can take, no matter how constrained the situation might be - you can start somewhere.

This is also a good opportunity to delve into what your purpose in life is, your values, and your vision for your life going forward. Having an unbiased partner in this phase of exploration allows you the space to focus and hear yourself think.

DEAL

In this action-oriented phase, we are turning outwards again through experimenting, training, and more networking. The plans we sketched out in the shuffle phase are being implemented, and we're gathering data on how it's going.

During this time, you may notice that your level of energy is higher and you're attracting different people to your "team" than usual. They see in you what they see in themselves (or what they want to see more of) and they are attracted to this energy. You are in the fortunate position of thinking about who you want on your team and can be selective, aligning the right energetics with your goals and purpose.

As you build trust in yourself and experience the excitement and optimism of this phase, your coach will be vigilant for blind spots, helping you stay accountable by asking you to regularly assess your progress and identify any new resources you might need.

Your coach will also continue to help you work through limiting beliefs, assumptions, interpretations and deeper energy blocks that keep you playing small instead of full out.

PLAY THE GAME

This is the moment you are living for - realizing your dreams and loving this time in your life. You are full of possibility, optimistic and determined!

You may be overwhelmed from time to time and experience decision paralysis because there are just SO MANY opportunities. A sense of self-doubt may creep in due to fear of failure. Those with a tendency toward perfectionism might self-sabotage just as success seems imminent.

Highly creative, divergent thinkers can see many possible solutions or can visualize an end result in great detail. This is an asset in generating innovative ideas but can be a liability if we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves while failing to account for the hard work required at every step.

Despite these challenges, you are likely feeling a sense of peace, fulfillment, and purpose during this phase of life. Working with a coach can help you expect and navigate the natural setbacks during this high-performance phase.

For those who move quickly from one success to the next, a coach can help you savor your accomplishments for just a minute and see joy in the process, not just the outcomes.

TOSS-IN

A time of cocooning and hibernation.

All things come to an end. Even good things eventually come to an end, such as a marathon or a gratifying career. Marathoners face a period of depression after finishing (and may register for the next race before they can even walk without pain!).

The brain really loves working toward something. Dopamine is released during the struggle phase - this is what keeps us going (and why games are so addictive).

My friends in tech, healthcare, education, and the military are facing suffocating pressures at work. Those with very young kids are also struggling to set up routines for school, keeping enough toilet paper in the house, putting dinner on the table, and not entirely losing themselves in the process of all that providing.

For those with older kids, I'm sensing an additional layer of stress and loss accompanying the youngest nearing the end of high school or leaving home. After a season of life dedicated to supporting the family and engaged in all the kids' activities, suddenly the purpose for all that hustle is less visible. Often, neglected relationship challenges come stalking into full view.

The feelings accompanying this phase of life include depression, isolation, and turning inward again. Pain and negativity will need to be released in order for creative energy to start flowing again. But in the meantime, this period of loss must be acknowledged and accepted.

REDECORATING THE EMPTY NEST

Acceptance doesn't mean give up -- it means we have the capacity to see our thoughts and feelings objectively. We are able to get outside ourselves and have compassion for exactly where we are right now.

The first step is being aware of our feelings. For some, this awareness is difficult. We may stay so busy doing that we have forgotten how to BE. For others, the natural response might be to withdraw. It may feel hopeless at the moment. You might not feel like you could carry on, or you're sabotaging a relationship because you've already checked out.

Scheduling time to be with a compassionate, non-judgmental coach who is familiar with the grief cycle can help you process the normal emotions of fear, anxiety, doubt, and loss that accompany this phase. Find something encouraging and healing to anchor yourself -- a book, a meditation practice, or a routine of walking with a friend. It doesn't have to be big.

For centuries, human beings have emerged from difficulty with renewed dedication, determination, hope, resilience and spirituality. We excavate a deeper connection with ourselves, our values, our purpose in life, and with each other when we accept the shared humanity of suffering.

For those navigating a difficult relationship and experiencing the burden of despair and loneliness, can you accept without judgment where you are right now? That you have done your best given the circumstances? That your partner has also navigated life as well as possible given his or her set of filters, beliefs and burdens?

If you can accept without judgment, you can drop the guilt, the anger, and fighting the past. Shift all your energy into creating a different reality. You have legitimate concerns and burdens that must be addressed.

What if you could embrace the dialectic of pain and hope? My needs and your needs? Both are true, and both can exist at the same time.

What if your actions could make a big difference right now? What would the older and wiser you, the person who is happy and fulfilled and at the end of your life, want you to know right now? The third discipline of conscious choice allows you to take that wisdom and step toward a different future, right now.

A dear friend of mine shared with me that women in searingly unhappy relationships find value and resolution in working on themselves first. Either they end up more pleasant to be around (and the marriage improves) or they end up deciding that they need to leave. Both outcomes leave the woman in a better place and positioned to make solid choices out of strength, not grief and guilt.

I want you to know you are not alone. Your pain and suffering are seen and you are deeply loved. I am a child of divorce - my parents split when my brother left for college. I have also been divorced myself, three years into marriage. These experiences admittedly shape my own views on relationships and marriage today - that marriage is the crucible for becoming a better person (not simply to get our needs met).

I am praying that you come through this time with peace, presence, and a sense of purpose.