Yesterday I was enjoying a hack - meaning free riding (no instructor in the ring) - with the horse I lease, Spirit. My young riding buddy, an aspiring collegiate horsewoman, was also working with her mare. Spirit is a rescue, a ranch horse who belonged to the rancher's wife. She's about 15 years old and very intelligent. She anticipates everything and tries to get it right before I ask twice. She knows our routines and starts to get jiggy when the jumping portion of our ride is about to start. Like me, she's a thinker. She wants to do well and has high expectations for herself. 

My young friend's horse, also a mare, has moods. To be fair, spring is here and most mares DO have moods! She's intelligent, and can be a little spicy from time to time. Most mares that I've worked with just do not suffer fools. They have opinions. They don't want you in their face. And they want to think it's their idea. Know anyone like this? Sound like a teen in your family? Or someone you manage at work? A child in your classroom?

So we were out working our horses and having a great time. I had decided to ride bareback so I could really focus on simple connections with Spirit. We were relaxed, not worried about getting it right and impressing anyone with our skill. Instead, we were more focused on the relationship with the horse. We had the freedom to improvise, so one of the drills I did was to canter up to a pole laying about 3 inches off the ground. Although this isn't a jump, the horse does need to pay attention and pick its hooves up to clear it. My goal was to canter up to it and through it with no drama, no jigging or swerving, no over-correction with my hands, and just guide her with a quiet seat and legs. This becomes important when approaching a larger jump because last-minute changes like shifting my head, my shoulders, my weight in the saddle, or my hands, can suggest to a sensitive creature that something has changed. "Wait...whah? Are we going over? Yes? No?" 

I was happy to see that we could just come around the bend and canter a line smoothly over the pole. The trick is to let the pole come to you, meaning let the horse keep an even pace and manage the distance on its own. Some riders make the mistake of driving too hard or not supporting the horse enough with legs and hands. Elite riders do make snap decisions, but at my level I should just be trying to stay out of the horse's way. (As my kids would say, that's a lot like motherhood: "Just don't make things worse.")

Lately I've been getting my wires crossed with Spirit because - ideally - I'd be able to look in the direction I next want to go just as we take off over a jump so that she lands with the correct hoof out front (to pick up the correct canter lead) upon landing. When I look, I inadvertently twitch the reins and signal that something has changed. Last week Spirit swerved at the last second before takeoff and I almost got dumped. So - one must be careful with what you're asking, when you're asking it, how you're asking... 

Back to the ride yesterday. My young friend and her mare were looking like a really relaxed pair, enjoying their trot, and just having a great ride. She was so pleased that things were going well and they were working well together. We progressed our work to the canter in both directions and asked for lead changes. There are two ways to do this: a) simple change, by going down to the trot, then back up to the canter with the correct lead hoof out front, or b) flying change, where the horse switches leads in the air without taking any trot strides. Both mares struggle a bit with flying changes, and sometimes this can lead to frustration between horse and rider.

When my young friend and her horse started getting to the point where her mare was beginning to get irritated - ears pinned back - she asked me what I would do. It's such an honor to be asked for advice - truly. It is a gift to me that she asked because she is so skilled and so humble. This young lady is very intelligent, driven, and intuitive. I don't have much technical skill to offer, nor even the right language half the time, but I do have a lot of time in the saddle (perhaps mostly because I'm...checks calculator...3.17x her age).

I replied, "First, I would give her a lot of positive reinforcement when she gets the correct lead. Just praise her and talk to her." With a few of these transitions, the mare was relaxed again at the canter and her ears were flicking forward each time my friend reached forward to pat her neck.

Happy with this shift, my friend was eager to move on with our objectives. "Now what would you do?"

"I would go with simple changes in a specific pattern and just get that nailed down. Take it back down to a level where she's relaxed, comfortable, and can anticipate what you're asking." Our instructor, Jenn, would have said this, too, I'm sure!

So they did, and got the lead changes down. As I watched, they were staying calm and moving well together. Then she asked, "Ok, now what would you do?"

"From here I would go for precision-simple. Like...instead of taking half the short side of the arena to get the lead, make sure you get it in the corner, or within two trot strides or something." Again, I'm sure this is what our instructor would have said. 

In other words, look for the smallest possible win and just keep building. Don't go back to asking for flying changes just yet. Break it down reeeeaaalll small. So she got that nailed down in about two more laps, and by the time she was about to wrap up, the mare was doing flying changes in the corner on her own! She knew what was expected and did it. 

Spirit and I had been following along and guess who also began to get lead changes right away? :)

What relevance does this have to working within your complex family system, or your teams? Most people don't like to be corrected. I know that really gets my family's ears pinned back. When I'm hoping to see a change, I look for the smallest positive shift in the direction I want to go and praise that. 

In fact, my young friend is so very observant. She remarked as we were untacking, "I just gave her lots of positive reinforcement, and you know, honestly, I didn't even acknowledge the negative stuff, like when she didn't respond." 

Sometimes I wonder if I should have read parenting books, and then I have a day like this in the ring with a horse. Honestly, they're so observant and so sensitive that less is more. I always try to do as little as possible to get the result I'm hoping for. You can't out-muscle a 1200lb mare. It's all influence and presence. The moment they respond to a little pressure, you have to release. That is their reward - the release of pressure.

Just like a horse,  you can't outwit or out-yell a toddler. You have to stay calm, grounded, loving, and ready to praise a subtle shift in the direction you are hoping to see them go. Stay focused on the relationship. Break it down reeaaaally small. You want your teen son to get the dishes in the dishwasher? Well, first it might be great if they soaked the crusty bowls in the sink, lol. It might take weeks for him to do that on his own, but hang in there. It will happen! Just keep praising the positive. Don't blow up the small win by demanding the dishwasher as the next step.